I need Jesus

August 21, 2015

Dear Jesus,

It’s been a while since we had a personal communication and relationship with you. It seems to be like I am passing everyday loving you just barely and living as minimal as possible for you. I’ve so many agendas and dreams, it’s good dreams but I realize that my relationship with you is not strong.

I go to church feeling bored, but I go for the sake of that few hours of feel good factor and wishing that the sermon will somehow change me. I pray to you asking you to remove idiots in my life, get me a bf ASAP, bless my parents with good health and the 1001 things that I have in mind.

I try to make sense of you… i try to do as convenient as I can without giving things much thought. Hanging out with friends during weekend, eating the food I like so much, building my assets as much as possible, trying to reach out a little when chances are high that the person is willing to listen when you talk about Christ.

It feels like my life is all about my own agendas and nothing else. I’ve stopped learning things… or maybe I learn things for myself. I do things for myself.

I can’t remember when I went into your presence. I feel like this whole relationship is just once a year kinda update during spiritual retreat.

Lord, I don’t want to do anymore things which you’re not in it. I don’t want do destroy myself with my own agendas.

Take away all the distractions. Help me to worship you beyond time and beyond my flesh.

I want to walk with you, Lord.

Forgive me when I spend so much time at work.

Forgive me when I worship the wrong things.

Forgive me when I compare and compete with others.

Forgive me when I have so much struggles with food.

Forgive me when I have so many failures.

Forgive me when I have issues with covetousness and jealousy.

Forgive me when I am sucha hypocrite telling you 101 i want to repent but I go back to the old ways.

Forgive me when I am in my comfort zone.

Forgive me when I conveniently dont tithe.

Forgive me when I do not control my mouth.

Forgive me when I have issues with pride and righteousness.

Teach me how to change, teach me how to be close to you. Help me to get to you like how you reach out to Moses. I weep when I see my stage. Lord, I want to walk up to the mountain and spend time with you.

Holy spirit, you see my desire and I pray you will connect with me tonight.

:)

July 13, 2015

When I was away, wordpress sent me a notification on a blog I wrote 7 years back. It was my dream, the dream to visit europe and the top two destinations were austria and czech republic. I cannot begin to express my delight that God does fulfill my request. I know it sounds silly and cliche but traveling has always been my biggest passion. So to me, it’s a huge deal…

While I was away, I learnt quite a few number of lessons

1) Learning how to listen, when you listen, you think and when you think, you will make better decision. Change is then easy.

2) I am an emotional person but I need to take responsibility to be better at managing emotions.

3)  Don’t need to react so fast (fighting back with words) towards a situation. If we react immediately towards a crisis, chances are 9/10 times, we will fail and it will be disastrous towards relationship.

4. Be open about things, read more about world history/people/autobiography, there are so many things to learn and be aware of.

5. Be confident and bold about who I am. Find courses and improve one self.

6. Maturity takes you further. Learn to make a choice to not be selfish and self-loathing. HS, guide me on this.

7. It is easier to change yourself coz there is so much power and resources inside you then to change other people.

Rambling

April 28, 2015

I sometimes wonder whether it is possible to stop acting out of flesh once and for all and be led by the spirit while we are on earth. It frustrates me when I felt like I am very close to God and the next minute, I did what I know that will make him sad. I sometimes wonder whether there is a shorter cut to achieve a total sinful life. At least the major and obvious ones which makes you feel super bad/mean.

Perhaps my journey of faith is still shallow, a lot of place to explore and understand the meaning of living life in fullest of christ. What does it mean to live a full life? One day, I think I am okay but the next day I know, it feels like I’ve failed. I yearn for a deeper understanding to comprehend this so that seriously I wouldnt struggle living a captive life-which filled with emptiness, condemnation and small.

32 this year, I still can’t say I am fully satisfied. There are days where you find yourself having all the strength to conquer the world but there are days where you feel like shit-i-hate-my-circumstances-right-now!

:(

February 8, 2015

Been pretty overwhelmed with things lately. Good news is I am always enjoying my weekend but the bad news is I find it so bloody hard to stick to my healthy lifestyle. Seems like I do have a bad relationship with food now. It makes me feel really condemned in some ways.

This battle seems like a never ending one. I think I lack consistency, discipline and will power. I am okay for the first couple of weeks and then it makes me feel like crap and I overwork. I hate to see the weighing scale when my weight doesn’t drop as fast I would like it to.

Dear lord,
I think you know very well my struggle. Help me to make the right decisions. Help me to help myself!
Love,
Lydia

October

October 19, 2014

I’ve been enjoying my IBS class so much that nowadays I try to do my homework on Sunday night because it’s nice to eat and digest His word. I never thought that I will say that I enjoy this journey so much. I realize I become aware of both God and the world. I like the ability to reflect and look at things with high clarity.

I think most of us spend time in cruise mode. It’s nice to relax and chillax but I reckon there is so much danger being in the comfort zone as well.

As I adventure in the thoughts of my IBS mentors, it’s amazing how someone can challenge you to think deeper and having that total initiative to dive into His word without much force.

I am searching for answers. I am also learning a lot about myself. I am also going through this journey of healing. I am also guarding my faith so strongly. I am also yearning for powerful life for God.

All I can say, I am grateful for His love, grace and mercy.

I pray that my torch continue to light brightly wherever and whenever.

Life reflection

October 14, 2014

I marvel that the journey to seek some answers is never futile. A lot of emphasis is actually given on an extraordinary life and yet sometimes I wonder whether the fuel to seek for more actually creates a deeper hollow inside my heart. Sometimes I think the extraordinary is not actually the outcome rather than approach towards a situation and of course to see the extraordinary in the ordinary things.

Life is always measured in all sort of ways and sadly it is often shaped by pride, ambition and avarice. I think the world offers us a lot of false happiness and freedom. I mean I am always very happy when it comes to traveling but no matter how much traveling I do, happiness never lasts. And of course, I think the other side of the coin is, at the end of the day, answers can only be found in the truth-God’s word.

A lot of my life circumstances is moving towards one direction which I know God’s been gracefully nudging me-His word.

My desire is to be strong in the Lord wholesomely. And the day I meet Him, I lead an “extraordinary” in this ordinary place where I am in.

Turning 31

September 26, 2014

Just turned 31 yday, I have mix feelings about things. Some part of me is really happy that I am where I am right now while some part of me wish things could be a little different. I guess some text messages from some old friends kinda make me visit to some old places like the desire to settle down.

I am quite a happy person overall but at the same time I am also easily affected by what people has to say especially when it is quite piercing. Maybe I am just sensitive but hell, it’s not easy when it’s an area where I really am trying to cope. Nevertheless, I shift my mind quite fast and I know that I need to take responsibilities with regards to my emotions.

So at the end of the day, I am actually quite happy. Was nominated to be top SME in Malaysia and coincidentally I appeared on SME magazine😛 I mean IPC was featured previously in the star and tv3, but I was not around to be interviewed hence my biz partner replaced me. Nice bday gift🙂

The flame in me is burning… After sorting out office conflict, I am determined to explore more and expand to my biggest dream which is fashion and f&b….

My love for God grew deeper. Past few days before my bday, I caught myself going back to some old patterns but weird, I could hear His voice drawing me back to repentance. I was at heat argument with mom too and somehow a still voice in me whispered “Lydia, you are in control of your decision, if you are making sucha big fuss, it will further disrupt the day and make it worst!”.

And so I obeyed. I realize God is really gracious. I more often think that God shuts me when I fail but it’s not true, His hand will somehow be extended. I am glad that day by day, I know a little bit more about Jesus, the lover of my soul….

Compromise

September 21, 2014

Will I ever compromise my values and principles? Before I jump on the answer to the question, let me give you a brief background of my story. Why do I hold such strong principles and what drives me to hold onto my decisions.

As much as I am an open (to new ideas or ways to do things) person there are certain perspective which I am very clear about especially with regards to integrity. I have my own set of belief system and I choose to do what is right according to of course the bible and this is what I am made off. Many times, I question myself whether am I being very extremist about my views and principles but I know ultimately my foundation is very clear- I will want to honour God with the things I do and how I live.

From the beginning, I’ve always held this principle of integrity in the business world. There must not be any absolute bribery or corruption taking place in all our business transactions. It worked although I have lost a couple of big businesses. I think I am comfortable not being “big and rich” but what matters most is the root in Christ which it covers not only the religious part of life but also the economy well being of the country. Most people think that do to business in Malaysia, such practices are common, but for me and my company, I decide, that I am making a difference not only on the voting day but also on the daily basis because every opportunity to do right will adversely affect the economy and political well being of the company. Till today, I still stand strongly on this principle.

I am praying that I will not change, I am praying for my everyday faith to continue to be rooted in Christ. I pray that I will not be deceived by money. I pray I will not be blinded by power and pressure. I pray that I know the little I have is from God and ultimately principles must not be compromised because I know I want to follow Christ.

That is actually the easier part of compromise for me because I think it’s pretty clear cut and my head is very clear with regards to the matters above.

On the other hand, I’ve always prayed to God for his sustaining grace to preserve my love life. I’ve been battling with the issue of sometimes trying to make sense/reasons to negotiate with God on compromising my life partner. Ultimately, I did not because perhaps I really do love Christ or perhaps I know the consequences of unequal yoke seen through my experience with my business partner or perhaps to see the reality of some married couples who compromised their faith and having problems with their marriage. Or perhaps, I have established a good support system which I know will hold me accountable.

There are times when things seems right, I would really want to compromise but somehow I guess the years of experiencing God so real stops me from potentially making silly decisions.

I’ve grown to realize a lot of things. I’ve grown to realize that I love God more and more and I really want to follow the road that will take me closer to Him. I’ve realize that I enjoy Him a lot that sometimes being with a man for the sake of getting married no longer interest me that much. I’ve realize that godliness is an important essence if I ever want to be in a relationship. I can never not talk about god with someone whom I share the deepest intimacy with.

Of course, all these are said when I am close to God. There are days where I fall and stumble, I get trapped in my sinful nature where I wish I could compromise…but as I grow older, such moments get lesser although when stucked in the trap gets more intense (if you know what I mean).

I think studying the word of God helps me a lot. Getting to know Him through his words…like reading God’s blog and things he wrote for His people… Learning about history of mankind…

As long as I walk on earth, I pray that the world will not dilute me and I pray I will stand up for godly principles-to know the difference of what is good and what is not. To know that we need people to stand up for Christ. Living a christ like manner is not an extremism or a religious bigotry, but ultimately I want to follow Christ because it’s a natural progression of my relationship with my creator whom I continue to fall in love every time…

Dear God

September 20, 2014

There are days where I wish I could write a long letter to God and he replies….

Father’s Love

September 11, 2014

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials,  that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,” ~ 1 Peter 1:6-7

Lord, you know and you will mend it… Grand me the sustaining grace to finish this race well.
AMEN!